Ive been Inspired!

It's been a little while since I've updated my blog and I have some things to add now.

It has been a challenging month for me.  I had my 9th scan for the past 12 months, always on alert!  I have had a headache for a few weeks that was relentless.  I've had tummy pain for no apparent reason, lump in the throat, reflux, hip pain, foot pain and whatever else has been happening.  I'm starting to sound like a hypochondriac arent I?!

2 of the ladies from Boob Club lost their lives to metastatic breast cancer, having spread to their bones, liver and brain.  This always brings back scary thoughts for me, although I feel for their families and it's very sad for the children and husbands they leave behind.  I'm always telling myself that I'm unique and not the same as them. This works for a little while.

So the last scan was a brain CT Scan - which was all clear!! The blood test showed no tumour markers and I've had my annual checkup with my breast surgeon and oncologist.

The weirdest thing was while I was in the waiting room for my turn for the scan, I was on my laptop doing some work, when I got this strange and overwhelming feeling that everything was going to be okay. I wasnt thinking about the scan at all as I was midway through a work email.  It was like someone was telling me the scan was going to be clear.  The moment of clarity was hard to miss. I've had this another time over the past few years, when the sky was bluer and the sun was shining and I bought a lotto ticket and won $1000. 

I have decided to embark on a hike to raise funds for the OTIS Foundation. They provide free accommodation for ladies with breast cancer and their families for respite across Australia. They have their own properties that they have built as well as people donate their properties for the cause. OTIS Foundation cover the cost of preparing and cleaning the properties for the owners.

So in August, I head to Florence, Italy to prepare for my hike on the 1st of September to the 10th September finishing in Siena. We'll be covering 20 km per day and raising over $100,000 with my 19 team mates. If you could support me for women and their families, with 1 in 8 women being diagnosed in Australia, please feel free to help out this amazing charity. 

You can donate here : http://www.otisfoundation.org.au/my-fundraising/49/otis-tuscan-adventure and I'll keep you up-to-date on my training and preparation activities as well as the trip itself here.

This is us at Merrileugh thanks to the OTIS Foundation:

The Big Little Reveal

An appointment with the nurse post op meant the big little reveal. Not quite ready for my Playboy centerfold, but a happy girl I am.

The bandages came off to reveal little pink nipples – Yay. I'm wearing plastic shields to protect them for the next 6 weeks. A bit like these but clear plastic not gold like hers.........

Although the protectors feel more like this to me.....

Don't come too close to me, or I'll poke your eye out, ha, ha.

And they are pretty bloody good, if I can say so myself.

Now I’m not being greedy and wanting a complete body retrofit, I am just aiming to get back to a little bit normal.  You know, when you catch yourself in the mirror, your body doesn’t look like its been in a Frankenstein movie and it looks somewhat normal ‘with nothing to see here’ kind of thing.

When I came out of surgery, I was pretty happy and so thankful he could even me out a bit. With one being 2 sizes bigger than the other, bra wearing and even the way that top necklines sat on my body has been challenging – I know, first world problems.  

Some people don’t have the option of reconstruction once that cancer has been cut out, or some cant have the cancer cut out at all, so I do think myself as ‘lucky’, but the effect that these small changes have made to my mood has been the most surprising.

I don’t need an Elle MacPherson body, just a somewhat ‘normal’ body without the dressing challenges. Is that too much to ask for?

I have been seeing a psyche and managing my 'monitoring'. I have to find a balance between remaining vigilant, but living my life without fear.  This is my goal when seeing her. I still have unexplained pain in my body and have just had a pelvic scan to check things out - maybe its just age, even though I always think that I'm much younger than I am.

Here's to the next 6 weeks of healing :) 

  

The Last Surgery

Today I am home from my last surgery. Well I hope it is my last anyway. 2 hours in theatre and overnight stay in hospital for pain management.

A little sore and sorry for myself, although I'm all taped up and cant see my new nips but bruised and battered everywhere around my hips.

So this is what liposuctioning is about. My plastic surgeon has sucked out some fat from my hips and put it back into my lower back. This is where the 2 scars met in the middle from the gluteal donor tissue sites and left behind a puffy pocket in between. Quite weird when wearing anything waisted as my clothes wouldn't sit flat.  He also put some back in the hollows lower down, but by all accounts I'll never be the same again. I will always have the weird divets and pockets - so I'll have to give away my bikinis :(

Normally most people get the fat removed for good, but mine was just moved to a different place. You would also wear compression shorts after, but that would squeeze my newly placed fat so thats a no-no, I can also not sit back on my bottom (only forward) and no sleeping on my back.

On the upside, he borrowed from Paul and gave to Peter and that is a huge improvement from how I have been for the past 8 or so months.  My non cancer side was so much bigger, heavy and tight. I think I had mentioned it feeling like an amputated leg stump on my chest. Well it is still slightly bigger but no way near as heavy and its softer. The cancer side is bigger and rounder so I'm happy with the girls now.

While I was in hospital, I had to share with another girl. She was having augmentation - a young girl. We got talking and she asked me excitedly what I'd had done. When I told her she was in awe of the liposuction until I told her the reason why.  That stopped her in her tracks and she contained herself. Luckily she went home instead of staying overnight, since she was bouncing around the room with her boyfriend in her exercise gear while I could hardly move from pain. It made me feel 'old'.

From what I can gather from their 'loud conversation', it seems to be a thing with most of her young friends having augmentation as well.  She was sending them photos and they were all commenting on their own experience. Rather scary really.

So just waiting for the swelling to go down to see what the final result is and I'm almost complete again - in a different way.

End of an Era

I farewelled the guys at Axion after 4 years of service - it was sad handing in my keys, carpark, laptop and phone. Saying goodbye to my chair and all the good times I had with the guys - I'm guessing they wont miss my constant chatter and Seinfeld style of conversation about my family and the antics. Headphones were a common accessory worn by the others at work, so I had to talk to myself in the end.

But I'm also looking forward to some 'me' time and getting my brain right. Unfortunately my thoughts haven't caught up with my 'cured' status and had a few 'average' moments of fear at the slightest ailment, so I need to get that right for now.  So I'm off to see someone to help me with that :)

Another reason for resigning was to take pressure off when recovering from surgery which was to be on the 24th June. You wouldn't believe it, but I received a call that night from the doctors rooms cancelling my surgery!!  They did try and move me to the following week due to an emergency breast cancer case, so I was happy to move it to the following Friday, but it didn't suit him.  I was told it was cancelled altogether as his Mum had passed away.  They re-booked it the next day to the 21st July.

So what was I going to do now that I've resigned??  At least it gives me time to chill out, get fit and healthy and sort my life out.  The house needs some serious attention and I need to sit with myself for a little bit to work out what I want to do.  I may do some volunteer work or something, I'm not sure.  In the meantime, I'll get my shoulder sorted - need to have some cortisone injections in my calcification, so hopefully that will be all sorted in time for surgery.

The timing has been pretty good, with 1 week at home before I have all the kidlets home for school holidays. I have 1 of them home as high school finished up a week earlier.  His brain is being fried as we speak as he has been glued to the computer screen for most of the day.  I'd take him out but the Melbourne weather is shite at the moment.  Grey and cold.  I went for a run this morning and it was freezing, oh well at least I run faster to get warm.

Yesterday marked my beautiful angel friend, Cora's birthday. I went through some of my treasures from her and lit a candle for her. She is still very much in my thoughts on various days. She is still very much missed - she would have been 57.

That's all my news for now - love and light to everyone :)

Scanxiety

I had another relief moment today.

I have had shoulder pain since February this year, I've seen a physio who has massaged it and given me exercises all to no relief.  I saw my oncologist and asked her about it, because I found some random case in Singapore of a lady who had the exact breast effected by cancer and the other shoulder developing metastic cancer cells.  To which my Oncologist laughed and said she had never heard of this before and suggested I have an ultrasound to check things out.

I went to have an ultrasound last week, and when I phoned through for the results, the nurse told me that my doctor wanted to see me, but it wasn't urgent.  Now considering where my head has been lately, this was the last thing I needed to hear.  As it was, the sonographer was measuring a suspiciously round blob on my shoulder and then they sent me off to x-ray as well.  My mind has been racing ever since.

Today, I was so relieved to be told by my doctor that it is just calcification that needs a cortisone injection to reduce it so then it can heal. I've never heard of it before so Dr Googled it of course and this is what it came up with. Degenerative or Reactive Calcific Tendonitis........

So a needle will be injected into the site with local anaesthetic first followed by the cortisone injection.

My decision is whether to do it before surgery next Friday or after it, somewhere in between getting a curette for my polyps. I may as well get all this done this year so only pay my excess once. I might save it up for after surgery as I will need to lie on my sides and squashing my shoulder may not be the best thing for it while it is trying to heal itself after the cortisone does its job.

My doc couldn't tell me why it has occurred - maybe from my bat-out-of-hell swimming, with no warm-up before it. Finally, with swimming, I started to get rid of the handbag feeling under my arms after the surgery and possibly fluid build-up or whatever that feeling was. No one seemed to know - not my plastic surgeon, not my breast surgeon, not my GP.

There is a lot to this process that you have to find out for yourself otherwise you'll be left wondering. It has been helpful being part of 'reclaim your curves' Facebook group as there is lots of discussion about the different aspects of the surgery and beyond. But there is also a lot of sadness in that group with many women with metastic cancer or where they had 'early breast cancer' only for it to spread to Stage IV (metastic) where there is no cure only treatment to control it for a period of time.

Anyway, happy news for me today even though I have to have a procedure to deal with it.  Only 1 week and 1 day left of work. My GP did say that I needed to find a balance as too much time on my hands might also be detrimental to my mental health.

Phase 3 of Breast Cancer Recovery and 2 years post diagnosis

2 years today since diagnosis.

I came across an article the other day. It seemed to hit home on exactly the day I was feeling overwhelmed by what I have been through. For those of you that have ran this race with me, you would probably wonder what's wrong with me?  Why can't I just get on and live my life now that I've been cured?  I would think that too - if I wasn't me.  

I can only describe the terror of a diagnosis as something along the lines of maybe (?) what the terror attacks are like for those involved. I don't know and I'd hate to trivialise what those people go through but it is potentially loss of your life in front of your eyes?  Its a terror in every limb in your body and I have never experienced anything like it in my lifetime until then.  That same feeling, is what I feel when I have an unexplained pain or hear of some news of a breast cancer survivor having a return as stage IV - like Olivia Newton-John. It sends me to a darker place.  I have been brave for everyone and brave for me and now it's time for me to allow me to grieve. Grieve for my old body, to be scared and allow myself to be.  And then get on with it......

I've taken a snippet from the article, a fellow breast cancer survivors' blog that explains exactly where I am right now (just before I get on with it).  

So I have resigned from work and I'm going to take some time for me and for my brain to catch up with all of this. My last day will be the day before my next surgery 23rd June....... Coffee anyone??? 

Time to finish colouring in my picture too.

*********


The third phase of breast cancer is vastly different from the first two phases. 

Discovery and initial treatment are over. You may have moved into a maintenance stage of care where you only see doctors for periodic checkups. For the most part, you’re on your own. There’s no safety net of medical staff constantly hovering around you. This is a doubt filled and fearful time. 
Of course, your doctors are still available should you need them, but they aren’t constant in your life now. This stage is just as important as your active treatment phase and will require you to listen carefully to your body.    During the recovery period, the third phase of breast cancer, your focus will shift from the world of treatment to regaining control of your life. You’ll start to pay close attention to your body learning to understand the signals it gives you. Your body will begin to work its way back to health. Our bodies are made for this! Our bodies are miraculous and are always in the process of healing from injury. For example, before breast cancer, have you ever suffered a cut on your body? 

Over a period of days, your body worked hard to repair the damage. Even if the cut was minor and all you did was clean the wound with soap and water, your body spoke to the skin and tissue cells telling them where the injury was located and how to heal it. Slowly and surely, the wound began to close. A scab formed and after the scab loosened and fell off, new skin began to grow. Before you knew it, the wound had healed. You may have been left with a small scar but the wound was gone! Your body had done its job. It was a tiny miracle. In the same way as the tiny cut healed, our bodies are programmed to find ways to repair and heal larger wounds.    

After active treatment has ended, it’s time to focus on optimising your health. This might include changing your diet, adding exercise, or taking natural supplements. This is a time where you want to provide the best possible environment for restorative healing to take place. Not only will you want to provide good physical changes for your body, you’ll also want to provide good mental changes. 
Eliminating stress is a good way to help your body stay in a positive healing state. Your body is a powerful thing. It will signal you when you’re dealing with things that negatively affect your health. 

You may find yourself dealing with frequent headaches, stomachaches, or you may feel anxious. These are signals that say your body is suffering undue pressure. As you listen to your body, you’ll find it necessary to combat these symptoms. The remedy may be as simple as removing yourself from a situation or taking a hot bath. As you learn to understand and eliminate stress in your life, you’ll find your health being optimized.    

The journey to health after breast cancer is never really over. The road to recovery will take the rest of your life. Every step along the way will provide its own unique experience. Yes, breast cancer was a huge detour along your life path. Your road was filled with many twists, turns, and unexpected challenges but your final destination hasn’t been reached yet. The best thing you can do, as you travel the road to recovery, is to set your sights on enjoying each day as it comes. Take one day at a time and do the best you can to stay healthy. Listen to your body and let it guide you along the way. Try not to compare your journey to those of others. You are unique. Your journey is yours.  

- See more at: http://www.curetoday.com/community/bonnie-annis/2017/05/the-road-to-recovery-after-cancer#sthash.F901j3qI.dpuf

The Last Surgery

I have a date with the Plastic Surgeon on the 23rd June.  Just after my 2 year anniversary of this shitty disease.  Hopefully the last surgery I will need to do with this reconstruction anyway. Some reconstruction revision surgery (borrowing from Peter for Paul) and building fake nipples and liposuctioning my hips to put back into my buttocks. I feel like a spare parts yard.

I know I have another surgery with the curette for the polyp in the uterus. I just need to get through all of these latest round of appointments before I go down that road as well. I've just visited my breast surgeon who is happy with everything.

I have an appointment with the Cancer Centre next week to suss out some side effects I'm having from the drugs.  I have been having some tinitus ?  buzzing in my ears and some other things. My GP is not around, she's on extended sick leave so it leaves the cancer centre and my oncologist to help me out. I might also see if I can change medication now that I've been post menopausal for 2 years. It seems to be the standard time they need to determine if you are pre or post menopausal.

I also have an appointment with my radio oncologist.  He phoned about a month ago to see how I was going - which was nice of him.  It was quite out of the blue to receive his call.  I wasnt home so he spoke with John. Maybe he was confirming my appointment with him?? Who knows.

Exercising 6 times a week is a hard ask between work and kids etc.  I was swimming until my shoulder froze up and now have arm pain.  You can imagine what comes up for a breast cancer survivor when I doctor google that one!!!!!

It is a mental game - always trying to be the utmost in positive and pushing down any negative thoughts. I have to remind myself that I had a Pathological Complete Response......no residue cancer. So logically....none in my body either.  Stories of other cancer patients plus I'm in a couple of 'Cancer Clubs' so am surrounded by others at varying stages of this process.

Imagining myself as an old lady is the best way to re-focus me and dancing at my kids weddings :)