Remembering our trip

Gosh, it seems so long ago we were in the US. While I was in hospital I used the memories of our trip to keep me going. Thinking happy thoughts.

Anyway, Ive got some of my favourite photos to reflect on, John took 4000 of them. I'm sure there's a lot more, but here is a small collection.

Putting myself back together

I expected this to all be finished by now :( It's so frustrating and slow this recovery. I'm concentrating on putting myself back together again, I know I will never be the same again both physically and mentally. Still living with the fear and sad when realising I'll never have my body back the way it was, not that it was any "elle Macpherson" body but still it was mine, all the flabby bits and all. I feel a little Frankenstein-ish when see myself in the mirror with slashes like I'm the main actor in some kind of gory horror movie. The weird shapes are hard to get used to also. But I need to be patient to get it back together.

So the body, the mind, my hair and my toenails are all on the mend. And then there's Tamoxifen. Just when I got used to the stuff, I've got the lovely bone pain (which makes you fear the worst), hot flushes and tiredness - all that I had got over when taking it before. (I had to stop it before surgery and have only just started taking it again).

I will never feel under my arms again, making it dangerous to shave under there. Its interesting when you spray your deodarant in the morning, the door behind me must be covered in deodarant - I can never find my armpit. I'll have to revert to roll on - less mess.

Decided go bra shopping as well, well not a bra but something that could hold my bandages in. One benefit, I dont really need to wear one of those anymore if I dont want to, but with the natural tissue they can still sag. But 1 is a B cup and the other is a large C or a D - my clothes hang in a very interesting way.

I saw the big moon the other night - I feel like I have to part of anything that's happening and make the effort rather than miss out and fully participate in life's these days.

I have also started a journal with all the things I'm grateful of each day - hmmmm...turns out I have a lot more than I thought I did.

I'm grateful for the beautiful flowers and chocolates I received from Leanne, book club and work. Also, Susie brought around her most excellent meatballs - yum. The girls, Carolyn Jill brought me magazines and chocolate for while in hospital and coffee and muffins when back at home, yummy Haigh chocolates from work (I managed to eat them all myself, but had to hide them to do so).

Then of course the gift of my Mum, thanks Dad for lending her to us. The cooking and washing were taken care of while I recovered. Mum and I had a lobster for lunch on Oak's day. So with drain in hand, I decorated the table, the weather was beautiful. It was fun in our own kind of way.

Thanks for all of your support of me, I am very lucky.

Anniversaries to forget

Today was my anniversary of my last chemotherapy 1 year ago. I so looked forward to the 20 November 2015 like no other date in my wee life. As I fight to keep the fear buried within, I hope I never have to go through that shitty experience again, or for anyone else for that matter. I know some people fly through it with hardly any symptoms but I don't know how or why? Probably different chemo drugs I guess.

This week I was asked to go to the a Think Pink Living Centre to support them for a media release. I couldn't not go after all the free services I have taken advantage of. Except when I got there they asked me to speak to the media. Luckily I had written a blurb for their media release but I wasn't expecting to read it. Anyway, with knees knocking and a good deal of reading from my tiny iPhone screen, I delivered my story. So tonight I saw myself on channel 9 - aagghh. It's difficult to see yourself on TV that's for sure! Anyway I do hope they have more clients utilize their services and they continue to get funding into the future. With charities it's all about how well they are known like the mnd foundation ice bucket challenge.

My beautiful friend, Cora's anniversary of her passing came and went. We were in the middle of San Francisco climbing one of those crazy hills or the Coit Tower steps, not only did I realize just how unfit I was, but thinking about the struggle, she popped into my head. I checked the date and it was her anniversary. Vale Cora.

Another milestone - I had my first haircut - Woohoo!!! So excited to need a haircut. Thankfully he did not take too much off my hair, but mainly shaped it which is exactly what I needed him to do so I could grow it. No more koala bear ears sticking out the side of my head and he cut off the tiny curls. It reminds me of the old perm days in the 40's and 50's where women would perm their hair as tight as they could possibly do it and then have their hair set to make waves. Yep I even did set my hair in curlers to make this work for me.

We also had Andres' reconciliation at school, I asked the kids what they are grateful for, Andres was glad that I didn't have cancer anymore :)

I finally got my drain out too - I said goodbye to my little friend - good riddance little sucker!!! So it was much longer at 4 weeks out from surgerY before removal. Luckily it happened just before I was due at the media release - ooh that would have been a bit gross. This drain was draining my buttock site, so Fingers crossed I don't get a seroma with this side now.

I saw my GP today and it turns out I have the start of an infection on the latest mastectomy and reconstruction site. So on antibiotics to get that sorted - wouldn't it be terrible after going through all of this with my buttock only for it to fail. Leaving me with a butt that looks like it has been through a hail storm with stones the size of cricket balls. My P.S is on holidays so he couldn't check it out. He didnt seem too worried, but an email at 1am on a Sunday morning with photos of oozing ought to tell him that his patient is freaking out, nope.

I'm back at work, but can't quite deliver on a full work day just yet. Came home today incredibly tired and heavy, tucked up in bed now ready to have the conversation with my body that it's time to sleep!!!! Good night all, sweet dreams.

18 Days Post

Day 18 has come and I'm getting better - but not quick enough for me.

I've got things to do and getting frustrated sitting around all of the time. So I've signed up to do a course, and looking forward to fixing this surgery so I look somewhat normal and driving again.

Today I saw the plastic surgeon, I have been a little down about the result of this surgery. My chest feels like I've got some type of tight bandage wrapped around my chest and it's as hard as a rock. One girl likened it to it feeling like an amputated leg stump sitting on your chest - it truly does feel that weird after the softness of your natural self. Not to mention the lack of symmetry and puckering and that it feels like the tissue is bulging and about to spread into my neck region. Then there's the issue of my back flap. Something I never considered prior to taking the 2 glute flaps for the implant, where the 2 scars cross there is a puffy section that looks and feels weird in my clothes. Anyway hurrah, it's all fixable and he says with very minor surgeries. To quote him '60 seconds to fix the back flap problem'. The question is how many more? The reason I chose this method was to reduce the amount of surgeries in the long term (implants need to be changed every 10-15 years). Anyway, I'll see what he has to say to that question.....

A few days after arriving home, I got the most excellent news from my beautiful breast surgeon that there was no cancer in this mastectomy - yay!!!! That was exciting and expected, so glad it all went to plan.

Mum has been here helping me with the kids, cooking and housework - she is my guardian angel - thanks Mum. John has been ferrying the kids around as well as Heidi backing up with drop offs. It's hard to not do the things I normally do, but doing more as I get my energy back. Grateful for being so supported and loved - thank you :)

Halloween has just been and gone.....I did consider using my drain full of blood as a prop for a costume, very creepy. Since I have to tow it around with me every where I go, it would have been a perfect Dracula prop but it might have scared some kids so I reconsidered. I dressed as Daphne from Scooby Doo and off we went to Heidi's for a creepy dinner and Trick or Treating around their neighbourhood. They have it set up so that you only go to houses with decorations and leave the others alone. At least people can choose to be involved or not. Mind you, I just sat in the house, while the fathers took the kids around the neighbourhood :) The kids had a ball and it was good to have an 'outing' outside of these 4 walls within some other 4 walls.

I must say I'm going a little bit crazy stuck here. At least I have started my Christmas shopping.