Putting myself back together

I expected this to all be finished by now :( It's so frustrating and slow this recovery. I'm concentrating on putting myself back together again, I know I will never be the same again both physically and mentally. Still living with the fear and sad when realising I'll never have my body back the way it was, not that it was any "elle Macpherson" body but still it was mine, all the flabby bits and all. I feel a little Frankenstein-ish when see myself in the mirror with slashes like I'm the main actor in some kind of gory horror movie. The weird shapes are hard to get used to also. But I need to be patient to get it back together.

So the body, the mind, my hair and my toenails are all on the mend. And then there's Tamoxifen. Just when I got used to the stuff, I've got the lovely bone pain (which makes you fear the worst), hot flushes and tiredness - all that I had got over when taking it before. (I had to stop it before surgery and have only just started taking it again).

I will never feel under my arms again, making it dangerous to shave under there. Its interesting when you spray your deodarant in the morning, the door behind me must be covered in deodarant - I can never find my armpit. I'll have to revert to roll on - less mess.

Decided go bra shopping as well, well not a bra but something that could hold my bandages in. One benefit, I dont really need to wear one of those anymore if I dont want to, but with the natural tissue they can still sag. But 1 is a B cup and the other is a large C or a D - my clothes hang in a very interesting way.

I saw the big moon the other night - I feel like I have to part of anything that's happening and make the effort rather than miss out and fully participate in life's these days.

I have also started a journal with all the things I'm grateful of each day - hmmmm...turns out I have a lot more than I thought I did.

I'm grateful for the beautiful flowers and chocolates I received from Leanne, book club and work. Also, Susie brought around her most excellent meatballs - yum. The girls, Carolyn Jill brought me magazines and chocolate for while in hospital and coffee and muffins when back at home, yummy Haigh chocolates from work (I managed to eat them all myself, but had to hide them to do so).

Then of course the gift of my Mum, thanks Dad for lending her to us. The cooking and washing were taken care of while I recovered. Mum and I had a lobster for lunch on Oak's day. So with drain in hand, I decorated the table, the weather was beautiful. It was fun in our own kind of way.

Thanks for all of your support of me, I am very lucky.