The Big Little Reveal

An appointment with the nurse post op meant the big little reveal. Not quite ready for my Playboy centerfold, but a happy girl I am.

The bandages came off to reveal little pink nipples – Yay. I'm wearing plastic shields to protect them for the next 6 weeks. A bit like these but clear plastic not gold like hers.........

Although the protectors feel more like this to me.....

Don't come too close to me, or I'll poke your eye out, ha, ha.

And they are pretty bloody good, if I can say so myself.

Now I’m not being greedy and wanting a complete body retrofit, I am just aiming to get back to a little bit normal.  You know, when you catch yourself in the mirror, your body doesn’t look like its been in a Frankenstein movie and it looks somewhat normal ‘with nothing to see here’ kind of thing.

When I came out of surgery, I was pretty happy and so thankful he could even me out a bit. With one being 2 sizes bigger than the other, bra wearing and even the way that top necklines sat on my body has been challenging – I know, first world problems.  

Some people don’t have the option of reconstruction once that cancer has been cut out, or some cant have the cancer cut out at all, so I do think myself as ‘lucky’, but the effect that these small changes have made to my mood has been the most surprising.

I don’t need an Elle MacPherson body, just a somewhat ‘normal’ body without the dressing challenges. Is that too much to ask for?

I have been seeing a psyche and managing my 'monitoring'. I have to find a balance between remaining vigilant, but living my life without fear.  This is my goal when seeing her. I still have unexplained pain in my body and have just had a pelvic scan to check things out - maybe its just age, even though I always think that I'm much younger than I am.

Here's to the next 6 weeks of healing :) 

  

The Last Surgery

Today I am home from my last surgery. Well I hope it is my last anyway. 2 hours in theatre and overnight stay in hospital for pain management.

A little sore and sorry for myself, although I'm all taped up and cant see my new nips but bruised and battered everywhere around my hips.

So this is what liposuctioning is about. My plastic surgeon has sucked out some fat from my hips and put it back into my lower back. This is where the 2 scars met in the middle from the gluteal donor tissue sites and left behind a puffy pocket in between. Quite weird when wearing anything waisted as my clothes wouldn't sit flat.  He also put some back in the hollows lower down, but by all accounts I'll never be the same again. I will always have the weird divets and pockets - so I'll have to give away my bikinis :(

Normally most people get the fat removed for good, but mine was just moved to a different place. You would also wear compression shorts after, but that would squeeze my newly placed fat so thats a no-no, I can also not sit back on my bottom (only forward) and no sleeping on my back.

On the upside, he borrowed from Paul and gave to Peter and that is a huge improvement from how I have been for the past 8 or so months.  My non cancer side was so much bigger, heavy and tight. I think I had mentioned it feeling like an amputated leg stump on my chest. Well it is still slightly bigger but no way near as heavy and its softer. The cancer side is bigger and rounder so I'm happy with the girls now.

While I was in hospital, I had to share with another girl. She was having augmentation - a young girl. We got talking and she asked me excitedly what I'd had done. When I told her she was in awe of the liposuction until I told her the reason why.  That stopped her in her tracks and she contained herself. Luckily she went home instead of staying overnight, since she was bouncing around the room with her boyfriend in her exercise gear while I could hardly move from pain. It made me feel 'old'.

From what I can gather from their 'loud conversation', it seems to be a thing with most of her young friends having augmentation as well.  She was sending them photos and they were all commenting on their own experience. Rather scary really.

So just waiting for the swelling to go down to see what the final result is and I'm almost complete again - in a different way.

End of an Era

I farewelled the guys at Axion after 4 years of service - it was sad handing in my keys, carpark, laptop and phone. Saying goodbye to my chair and all the good times I had with the guys - I'm guessing they wont miss my constant chatter and Seinfeld style of conversation about my family and the antics. Headphones were a common accessory worn by the others at work, so I had to talk to myself in the end.

But I'm also looking forward to some 'me' time and getting my brain right. Unfortunately my thoughts haven't caught up with my 'cured' status and had a few 'average' moments of fear at the slightest ailment, so I need to get that right for now.  So I'm off to see someone to help me with that :)

Another reason for resigning was to take pressure off when recovering from surgery which was to be on the 24th June. You wouldn't believe it, but I received a call that night from the doctors rooms cancelling my surgery!!  They did try and move me to the following week due to an emergency breast cancer case, so I was happy to move it to the following Friday, but it didn't suit him.  I was told it was cancelled altogether as his Mum had passed away.  They re-booked it the next day to the 21st July.

So what was I going to do now that I've resigned??  At least it gives me time to chill out, get fit and healthy and sort my life out.  The house needs some serious attention and I need to sit with myself for a little bit to work out what I want to do.  I may do some volunteer work or something, I'm not sure.  In the meantime, I'll get my shoulder sorted - need to have some cortisone injections in my calcification, so hopefully that will be all sorted in time for surgery.

The timing has been pretty good, with 1 week at home before I have all the kidlets home for school holidays. I have 1 of them home as high school finished up a week earlier.  His brain is being fried as we speak as he has been glued to the computer screen for most of the day.  I'd take him out but the Melbourne weather is shite at the moment.  Grey and cold.  I went for a run this morning and it was freezing, oh well at least I run faster to get warm.

Yesterday marked my beautiful angel friend, Cora's birthday. I went through some of my treasures from her and lit a candle for her. She is still very much in my thoughts on various days. She is still very much missed - she would have been 57.

That's all my news for now - love and light to everyone :)

Scanxiety

I had another relief moment today.

I have had shoulder pain since February this year, I've seen a physio who has massaged it and given me exercises all to no relief.  I saw my oncologist and asked her about it, because I found some random case in Singapore of a lady who had the exact breast effected by cancer and the other shoulder developing metastic cancer cells.  To which my Oncologist laughed and said she had never heard of this before and suggested I have an ultrasound to check things out.

I went to have an ultrasound last week, and when I phoned through for the results, the nurse told me that my doctor wanted to see me, but it wasn't urgent.  Now considering where my head has been lately, this was the last thing I needed to hear.  As it was, the sonographer was measuring a suspiciously round blob on my shoulder and then they sent me off to x-ray as well.  My mind has been racing ever since.

Today, I was so relieved to be told by my doctor that it is just calcification that needs a cortisone injection to reduce it so then it can heal. I've never heard of it before so Dr Googled it of course and this is what it came up with. Degenerative or Reactive Calcific Tendonitis........

So a needle will be injected into the site with local anaesthetic first followed by the cortisone injection.

My decision is whether to do it before surgery next Friday or after it, somewhere in between getting a curette for my polyps. I may as well get all this done this year so only pay my excess once. I might save it up for after surgery as I will need to lie on my sides and squashing my shoulder may not be the best thing for it while it is trying to heal itself after the cortisone does its job.

My doc couldn't tell me why it has occurred - maybe from my bat-out-of-hell swimming, with no warm-up before it. Finally, with swimming, I started to get rid of the handbag feeling under my arms after the surgery and possibly fluid build-up or whatever that feeling was. No one seemed to know - not my plastic surgeon, not my breast surgeon, not my GP.

There is a lot to this process that you have to find out for yourself otherwise you'll be left wondering. It has been helpful being part of 'reclaim your curves' Facebook group as there is lots of discussion about the different aspects of the surgery and beyond. But there is also a lot of sadness in that group with many women with metastic cancer or where they had 'early breast cancer' only for it to spread to Stage IV (metastic) where there is no cure only treatment to control it for a period of time.

Anyway, happy news for me today even though I have to have a procedure to deal with it.  Only 1 week and 1 day left of work. My GP did say that I needed to find a balance as too much time on my hands might also be detrimental to my mental health.

Phase 3 of Breast Cancer Recovery and 2 years post diagnosis

2 years today since diagnosis.

I came across an article the other day. It seemed to hit home on exactly the day I was feeling overwhelmed by what I have been through. For those of you that have ran this race with me, you would probably wonder what's wrong with me?  Why can't I just get on and live my life now that I've been cured?  I would think that too - if I wasn't me.  

I can only describe the terror of a diagnosis as something along the lines of maybe (?) what the terror attacks are like for those involved. I don't know and I'd hate to trivialise what those people go through but it is potentially loss of your life in front of your eyes?  Its a terror in every limb in your body and I have never experienced anything like it in my lifetime until then.  That same feeling, is what I feel when I have an unexplained pain or hear of some news of a breast cancer survivor having a return as stage IV - like Olivia Newton-John. It sends me to a darker place.  I have been brave for everyone and brave for me and now it's time for me to allow me to grieve. Grieve for my old body, to be scared and allow myself to be.  And then get on with it......

I've taken a snippet from the article, a fellow breast cancer survivors' blog that explains exactly where I am right now (just before I get on with it).  

So I have resigned from work and I'm going to take some time for me and for my brain to catch up with all of this. My last day will be the day before my next surgery 23rd June....... Coffee anyone??? 

Time to finish colouring in my picture too.

*********


The third phase of breast cancer is vastly different from the first two phases. 

Discovery and initial treatment are over. You may have moved into a maintenance stage of care where you only see doctors for periodic checkups. For the most part, you’re on your own. There’s no safety net of medical staff constantly hovering around you. This is a doubt filled and fearful time. 
Of course, your doctors are still available should you need them, but they aren’t constant in your life now. This stage is just as important as your active treatment phase and will require you to listen carefully to your body.    During the recovery period, the third phase of breast cancer, your focus will shift from the world of treatment to regaining control of your life. You’ll start to pay close attention to your body learning to understand the signals it gives you. Your body will begin to work its way back to health. Our bodies are made for this! Our bodies are miraculous and are always in the process of healing from injury. For example, before breast cancer, have you ever suffered a cut on your body? 

Over a period of days, your body worked hard to repair the damage. Even if the cut was minor and all you did was clean the wound with soap and water, your body spoke to the skin and tissue cells telling them where the injury was located and how to heal it. Slowly and surely, the wound began to close. A scab formed and after the scab loosened and fell off, new skin began to grow. Before you knew it, the wound had healed. You may have been left with a small scar but the wound was gone! Your body had done its job. It was a tiny miracle. In the same way as the tiny cut healed, our bodies are programmed to find ways to repair and heal larger wounds.    

After active treatment has ended, it’s time to focus on optimising your health. This might include changing your diet, adding exercise, or taking natural supplements. This is a time where you want to provide the best possible environment for restorative healing to take place. Not only will you want to provide good physical changes for your body, you’ll also want to provide good mental changes. 
Eliminating stress is a good way to help your body stay in a positive healing state. Your body is a powerful thing. It will signal you when you’re dealing with things that negatively affect your health. 

You may find yourself dealing with frequent headaches, stomachaches, or you may feel anxious. These are signals that say your body is suffering undue pressure. As you listen to your body, you’ll find it necessary to combat these symptoms. The remedy may be as simple as removing yourself from a situation or taking a hot bath. As you learn to understand and eliminate stress in your life, you’ll find your health being optimized.    

The journey to health after breast cancer is never really over. The road to recovery will take the rest of your life. Every step along the way will provide its own unique experience. Yes, breast cancer was a huge detour along your life path. Your road was filled with many twists, turns, and unexpected challenges but your final destination hasn’t been reached yet. The best thing you can do, as you travel the road to recovery, is to set your sights on enjoying each day as it comes. Take one day at a time and do the best you can to stay healthy. Listen to your body and let it guide you along the way. Try not to compare your journey to those of others. You are unique. Your journey is yours.  

- See more at: http://www.curetoday.com/community/bonnie-annis/2017/05/the-road-to-recovery-after-cancer#sthash.F901j3qI.dpuf

The Last Surgery

I have a date with the Plastic Surgeon on the 23rd June.  Just after my 2 year anniversary of this shitty disease.  Hopefully the last surgery I will need to do with this reconstruction anyway. Some reconstruction revision surgery (borrowing from Peter for Paul) and building fake nipples and liposuctioning my hips to put back into my buttocks. I feel like a spare parts yard.

I know I have another surgery with the curette for the polyp in the uterus. I just need to get through all of these latest round of appointments before I go down that road as well. I've just visited my breast surgeon who is happy with everything.

I have an appointment with the Cancer Centre next week to suss out some side effects I'm having from the drugs.  I have been having some tinitus ?  buzzing in my ears and some other things. My GP is not around, she's on extended sick leave so it leaves the cancer centre and my oncologist to help me out. I might also see if I can change medication now that I've been post menopausal for 2 years. It seems to be the standard time they need to determine if you are pre or post menopausal.

I also have an appointment with my radio oncologist.  He phoned about a month ago to see how I was going - which was nice of him.  It was quite out of the blue to receive his call.  I wasnt home so he spoke with John. Maybe he was confirming my appointment with him?? Who knows.

Exercising 6 times a week is a hard ask between work and kids etc.  I was swimming until my shoulder froze up and now have arm pain.  You can imagine what comes up for a breast cancer survivor when I doctor google that one!!!!!

It is a mental game - always trying to be the utmost in positive and pushing down any negative thoughts. I have to remind myself that I had a Pathological Complete Response......no residue cancer. So logically....none in my body either.  Stories of other cancer patients plus I'm in a couple of 'Cancer Clubs' so am surrounded by others at varying stages of this process.

Imagining myself as an old lady is the best way to re-focus me and dancing at my kids weddings :)

Before, During and Now

On this journey, I have had hair and taken it for granted.....

 

I shaved it off during chemo and worn a lovely wig, cant complain about it, it was a good wig

I've given up the wig once I had an even coverage of hair covering all of my bald spots.  So grateful to have hair again - even as a pixie cut.  This is my birthday photo post single mastectomy and reconstruction 1 month before and post radiotherapy a few months before.

Finally, with a little bit of help from some real hair extensions sewed into my short hair - can you see the happiness beaming from within.....I cant describe that :) but you can see it!  Here I was out with Heidi celebrating being Marcellin Mums at a function seeing Jasper Jones. 

Scary Days

Today I had to take some big breaths.

The past 2 days I have been waiting to hear from my oncology gynocologist.  Wednesday morning I went and had my internal scan to check the lining of my uterus since being on Tamoxifen.  I had ignored my oncologist and breast surgeon, and thought it might be good for me to get a baseline scan before starting Tamoxifen since it can thicken the uterus lining and cause uterine cancer.

Thankfully my onco gyno agreed with me and gave me the referral back in August last year. It had been 6 months and I had a referral for another one.  I received a call from the ultrasound clinic by 11am advising that there was something picked up in the scan when comparing my baseline scan.  He was sending through the report to her and she will decide the next course of action.

So I have been patiently waiting for 2 days.  This afternoon I received the call from her rooms....and thankfully she sees no hurry to do anything right now.  Take a breath.

She has suggested that we watch and wait.  I have a 7mm polyp in my uterus, but it has no blood supply.  She is not worried at this point.  So we are relieved for now anyway.  I might consider a hysterectomy or at least a curette, but will wait for her written letter and seeing her at a later date.  As I have always taken affirmative action throughout this process, I might push for doing something rather than waiting.

I received some other good news that Jana got in to the high school that we wanted, Our Ladies of Mercy College (OLMC).  Some of Jana's friends didn't get an offer, so there was some text messages and nail biting moments. Heidi volunteered to swing by my letterbox while I was at work to put us all out of our misery.  And she phoned with the good news.   Take another breath.

Tomorrow is Jana's Confirmation night so we have been getting organised for that.

John's last day today as well - he will be a house husband for a little while - at least until he gets another job.  So far he hasnt had much luck securing anything, but at least the redundancy will see us through.

I love Gabapentin

Today was my catch up with my breast surgeon.  The appointment was light hearted as we laughed that I no longer remembered what floor she was on when pressing the elevator button. It's been fantastic living life normally without all of the appointments. I remember waiting for her appointments nervously not knowing what she was going to say after each MRI or test result.

She checked me over and said that the next appointment would be an ultrasound.  Now there is no breast tissue to mammogram, she will be checking the skin to see if anything appears there from any random cells and also the lymph nodes to make sure nothing else develops there.

I see the radiation oncologist in June, my plastic surgeon on 5 May and I need to have an ultrasound for the oncology gynocologist which I need to book yet. This is to check for any side effects from Tamoxifen, which can cause uterine thickening, which can then turn into cancerous cells.

I have been to the menopause clinic at the Royal Womens Hospital who put me on Gabapentin. I take this each night, with a Tamoxifen chaser.  In bed each night felt like I have electric shocks through my hands and feet, and burning under my feet - its crazy trying to get to sleep. This drug is used for nerve pain and epilepsy. Noone really knows where the nerve pain is from - it could be from the Tamoxifen, or the lack of estrogen (menopause) or from chemotherapy. Or all of those things.  The pain on the top of my feet in the mornings when I wake up has to be from Tamoxifen for sure.

It will be 2 years since diagnosis in June. I still have a little bit to go of treatment, but at least active treatment is finished.  Sometimes I wonder if the worrying will stop - if I keep busy enough it does, but there are always those quiet times and at the least expected times.

Inverloch

OTIS Foundation Family Getaway, Inverloch

Its been a while since I’ve written anything here.  Its been great to have some time-out of this experience and enjoy some normality, well my new normal.

I have taken the opportunity to take up a gift from the OTIS Foundation.  They offer free accommodation to breast cancer patients.  There are several property owners who donate some weeks to the Foundation.  The place we are staying is in Inverloch, in Gippsland, Victoria called Merrileugh.

I sit here looking across the farm and out to the sea.  It is breathtaking and almost criminal that I am typing on my computer.  I will share some of this place with you in photo’s but its better than the photos.

We had a great holiday to the USA last year, it was life changing for the kids, and fun to share it with them. It was action packed and busy. But it wasn’t all that relaxing, except for some wise extended bookings in a resort at Universal Studios where we relaxed by the pool.

But this is totally good for the soul.  There are cows, and sprawling farm land, dogs and cats, a tennis court, ping pong table and of course the surf beach is just down the road.  Its funny I thought of the movie, Beaches.  The kids bundled me up in blankets and put me in a sun lounge chair out on the deck with pillows for wind break as they played coits on the lawn.  It was a moment worth savouring. Andres asked me to blow a fairy and make a wish. Mine was to live a long and healthy life and see my babies get married and have babies themselves.

In terms of this BC story, I have visited the menopause clinic and they gave me some medication to deal with the leg nerve pain that keeps me awake at night.  The good side effect of this is that it makes you drowsy. This is a great benefit to overcome hot flushes and helping me sleep.

At my oncology appointment in February, my oncologist told me that I should be exercising 6 times a week to help in keeping any recurrence away.  So I drag my sorry self up at 6am and swim 300 metres at least 3 times per week, and the other days John and I go for long walks/jog.  Although I’m going to miss daylight savings with dark nights and dark mornings.

We've had fun together, but we all missed John of course. There's been dinosaur digs at a known dig site, going down an old coal mine, 65 metres below the surface and surfing lessons at Inverloch beach.  The lack of technology has made a huge difference to our re-connecting after the last 2 years.

'Bella' the friendly cat

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Happy New Year

A belated Happy New Year to all of my friends and family. 2017 is going to be a great year! (I think I said that for 2016, but that was just because active treatment for cancer had finished). I didnt anticipate the ongoing leftovers of each of the treatments.

John and I saw the new year in on the 21st floor of a hotel in the city watching the fireworks - it wasnt quite Sydney new years fireworks, but it was a great experience all of the same. This was on my bucket list that I put together in my spare time during chemo waiting for appointments. It is a very long list, some a dream due to financial and other constraints, including how long I will live out my days and how fit I will be as an elderly woman :)



January 3rd saw me at my plastic surgeon appointment for the year. So far he is happy with it (he doesnt have to wear it does he). Anyway, next step is creating nipples and some liposuction from my hips to fill in the dents in the breasts he has created. I also have one Dolly Parton and one Winona Ryder - containing them is not easy. There are no bras that have a size large C and B in one. The large C is soooo wide that it probably is more of a DD in width, but not in projection. My plastic surgeon couldn't really grasp my difficulty - at least his offsider got my point. Anyway, singlet tops are proving useful for the moment.

When it comes to my bottom, I am still visiting a physio to deal with the after effects of the cat incident. Wearing clothes is still interesting with my hollows in my butt. I even played around with the bra inserts and stuck them in the hollow - kind of like a prosthesis....ha, ha. If only I could show you the photos - hilarious! But then I can imagine if it slipped and fell out - how would I explain that!

Just recently, a friend and I took the kids to a swimming pool. We did some laps. Only when I was getting changed did I realise I had lost my nipple prosthesis in the pool. I was debating whether to send the kids in for a look around. Many laughs were had as we talked about the possible scenarios of it being found and the finder realising what it was!!! Oh to be a fly on the wall. Or they'll just find it in the filter all rolled up like a bandaid and none the wiser.

It's fun to imagine how it could play out.